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Since I?ve been on HRT that anger has beenreduced dramatically. Even now in my anger I try to admonish instead oflashing out either physically or verbally.The result of my fear and anger was me being a lonely boy. My parentssaw that and thought after consulting with others that seeing apsychiatrist might help. I couldn?t tell this grown up anything so in asense I wasted their money. Now I could tell those shrinks how I feel,but as a kid I couldn?t. I was still afraid.Part of my fear was that I was the only one who thought that way. In asense that is true. According to statistics in the Netherlands aboutone child in eleven thousand births is a male to female transsexual andone child in twelve thousand is a female to male transsexual.There are other things that bother me. I cannot now or ever give birth.When she was pregnant my now ex-wife told me about how the baby wasmoving in her. Her description of what she was feeling inside herincluded a smile on her face that told me of the joy. Janey brought me dinner. She force-fed me a bite or two, but that was all I could eat. I felt their concern for me, but it was as if I was hovering above my body, watching a dull soap opera.I had really screwed up. Big time. I had kind of figured out what it was, but I didn't have a clue why. I knew the relationship between Sally and me was evolving, changing and that there were going to be strains and stresses as we re-defined our respective roles within the new paradigm. Maybe it was going a bit faster than we were both willing to accept. I knew I had been unprepared for the responsibilities of my new role in the household, for which I still didn't have a label. I think that's what Amud had been talking about. I wasn't prepared. I hadn't been down 'the path', as he called it.I spent a long time agonizing over what to do. The ball was definitely in my court. On the one hand, Sally had made it clear that she could accept it if I could not bring myself to put her in bondage, and not.
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